Whew! It’s been a rough season. This post is an encouragement for pastor’s wives, but it’s also an encouragement for me too! Christian Sister, when I tell you grief and pain had a tight grip on me, I am not exaggerating. If I’m totally transparent, I will say it still does and has been stifling my ability to pour my thoughts into MarriedtoaPastor.com…and to do much else.
Every attempt to write felt like wading through quicksand, with each word dragged out by the weight of sorrow.
The joy and ease that once characterized my writing had evaporated, leaving behind a hollow emptiness that mirrored the ache in my heart.
My mom was diagnosed with dementia a couple of years ago, and each stage of it brought fresh challenges and new struggles.
She passed about six months ago, and it has hit HARD. No, worse than hard. I have no words.
We were so incredibly close. Have you ever lost someone, and it threw you for a loop?
Well, in the midst of such profound loss, even the simplest act of expressing myself became an arduous task, leaving me emotionally paralyzed by the overwhelming tide of emotions.
Note: I’m intentionally committing a grammatical sin by calling this post “encouragement for pastor’s wives.” My reason is that Google will respond to user searches for that term. Long story, but do know it’s intentional.
But God remained faithful. He has been and is carrying me through all this, and I’m learning to adjust to life without my mom.
She was like Batman to my Robin. She made being married to a pastor more tolerable.
As my husband was away building buildings and parking lots for the church, she kept me entertained. 🙂
You know, I wrote a poem the day before Mother’s Day. I wanted to express my feelings and honor her.
Consider something creative in your season of pain. This really helped me. I hope you like it.
A long time ago, I wrote a pastors’ wives poem. Maybe I should write poetry more?
This entire season has been rooted in loss (my job, my son moved away, and my mother-in-law’s health is severely compromised).
In front of everybody!
As you likely know, suffering in public as a pastor’s wife is a delicate balancing act of maintaining composure while navigating personal trials under a scrutinizing gaze.
For the last two years, each public appearance carried the weight of expectation, demanding grace and strength even amid my personal anguish.
Thankfully, I have an AMAZING church family that has carried me through so much. You wouldn’t believe how they have carried me through. The hugs, the cards, the meals – I love them so much.
Still, I couldn’t give my best. As people shared their struggles, I crumbled inside myself. I did not—do not—have the capacity to handle much more than I’m currently handling.
That made me feel so bad – bad for them.
For a couple of months, I sat in the balcony to insulate myself from being a burden to those who needed my encouragement or my smile. Early in those grief days, I had no smile to give them—at least, I had no genuine smile.
Before you judge me, understand from where I’m coming.
I know God’s Word.
I know His promises.
It’s clear to me that I’ll see my mother again. Still, I was hurting.
In fact, on my Christian lifestyle blog, GodsyGirl, I wrote rather directly to those who would say, “You shouldn’t grieve this long. Your mother is with the Lord.” You can read it here: https://godsygirl.com/loss-of-a-mother-and-words-of-comfort/
If you are going through a hard time, too…
Okay, you know my story.
I do not know if you are also going through a season of struggle.
But, I have encouragement for pastor’s wives trying to make it – trying to survive right now.
If you are, please know Jesus is with you.
You may not “feel” Him—which is why we are people of faith—but He is there.
He’s carrying you through each step and comforting you in your achiest places.
Sometimes, it is not easy to recognize Jesus when we are hurting. But, again, He is there.
Girl! The disciples didn’t recognize Him either!
Read Luke 24. The disciples were processing all that had just happened after the crucifixion and resurrection.
Do you try to analyze and think through things you could never understand? I do. It’s maddening.
I think that was what they were doing.
Anyway, as they were walking, the NASB said, “Jesus Himself approached” and began walking with them.
The funniest part is THEY DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS JESUS!!!!
This is what I am talking about. He’s there, and we don’t recognize Him.
In your loneliest moment, He’s there going through this life with you.
If you’re in the throes of grief as I am – He’s there.
My encouragement for pastor’s wives (and myself)
Listen, life seasons come and go. They are just that – seasons.
I know for me, this is my season to cry. It’s my season to mourn.
There is a time to cry and a time to laugh. There is a time to be sad and a time to dance…
Ecclesiastes 3:4 New Century Version (NCV)
Beautiful Christian Woman, Life’s seasons change and bring different experiences.
Sure, we enjoy many wonderful moments and good times and feel happy and fulfilled.
In hard times, we find strength and learn important lessons that make us better women of God and more understanding people in general.
By accepting these changes, we learn to see the value in every moment and understand that everything changes. It’s part of God’s plan.
Dress appropriately for your season, Pastor’s Wife!
I live in Missouri. We have a wonderful change of season.
A bitterly cold winter doesn’t last. It ends and ushers in a beautifully warm springtime.
I won’t talk about summer because it is brutal. The humidity and the heat will keep you saved! Hell is hot, and Missouri is, too! I live in one and don’t want to see the other! Ha!
The clothes I wear in different seasons serve as both practical necessities and expressions of my cultural and personal identity.
In summer’s dogged heat, I naturally opt for lightweight fabrics and breathable designs that provide relief from the heat, allowing me to move freely and comfortably in the sunshine.
When autumn’s chill sets in (my favorite season!), I embrace layers and earth-toned hues that insulate me against the cooling temperatures; they also reflect the beautiful, rich, changing colors of nature around me.
Then there is Winter. It calls for big, fluffy, cozy sweaters and insulated coats, which become my shield against the biting cold, cocooning me in warmth and protection. Wait! I think Winter is my favorite season.
Either way, with the arrival of spring, I celebrate the season with a burst of color and renewal, choosing vibrant hues and lighter fabrics that symbolize nature’s awakening after the dormancy of winter.
Beyond their functional purposes, the clothes I wear each season become a visual narrative of my connection to the world around me, mirroring the rhythms of nature and my personal expression.
Dressing for our spiritual rough season, Pastor’s Wife
During tough times or tough SEASONS, I am finding strength through my faith by praying, reading the Bible, and being with a select group of Christian women.
As a pastor’s wife, you have to guard your privacy. I am not advising this for pride reasons, but because …well, you know.
Prayer is my undergirding now. I pray more now than I ever have in my life.
I am like a toddler who must always be right up under her mommy.
Being close to Him soothes me. It allows me to speak directly with God, providing comfort, guidance, and peace.
In doing this, I’m dressed for this horrible life season. It’s appropriate. Unlike wearing a mink coach on a beach.
Secondly, reading the Bible offers me wisdom and comfort in my current season, showing me that God has always been faithful and He will be in my situation as well.
Being with other Christians helps me feel connected and supported. We share encouragement and burdens. Sundays are my jam these days, and so is time with my Christian sisters.
With prayer, the Bible, and community, I can overcome difficulties by trusting God’s constant love and care in this season.
Here are the steps of my season. I hope they help you too.
- Pray: Begin each day by spending time in prayer, pouring out your heart to God, and seeking His guidance, comfort, and strength. It’s okay to just lay there in front of Him.
Just being in His presence. Hey, in His presence is one place you do not have to speak or perform. - Read Scripture: Turn to the Bible for encouragement and wisdom. Reflect on passages that speak to your situation, reminding yourself of God’s promises and faithfulness.
Do Priscilla Shire’s 5 Ps for Bible Study. A structure is very helpful when you’re not able to concentrate. Here is how I do it: https://godsygirl.com/priscilla-shires-5-ps-bible-study-tips/ - Seek Support: Reach out to fellow believers, friends, or family members for emotional support and prayer. Sharing your burdens with others can provide comfort and perspective.
I have an amazing counselor/therapist who has guided me through caring for my mom. When Alsheimer’s reared its ugly head, I was devastated.
I was confused. I was grieving, and she was right there. He helped me navigate that season God’s way. Because he understands how the brain works, he taught me coping activities. Besides that, he is a former pastor!
I share that to say finding someone to talk to is okay. A professional is ideal because they are a disinterested third party who can help you make your brain work as God intended.
In light of what has happened with a pastor’s wife in the news right now, PLEASE do not suffer alone in any area of your life. Reach out. Get help. - Attend Church: Even if you have to visit another church for a season, stay in church. Attend services, small groups, or prayer meetings with your church family.
Surrounding yourself with fellow believers can offer spiritual nourishment and encouragement. - Practice Gratitude: Cultivate a spirit of gratitude by focusing on the blessings in your life, even amidst difficulties.
Recognizing God’s goodness can shift your perspective and bring hope. I journal using the app built into my iPhone.
After each and every entry, I try to say what I’m thankful to God for. I don’t make every entry, but almost everyone. - Serve Others: Look for opportunities to serve and bless others, even when you’re having a hard time yourself, Pastor’s Wife.
But keep the lift a light lift. I lead the ministers’ wives at my church. This season, I needed to cancel our most recent meeting. I just couldn’t do it, and I’m not guilty about it.
I felt a little bad because the women loved the meetings so much, but God would take care of them. HOWEVER, someone reached out to me and needed prayer.
I took that call because this horrible life season I am in cannot be only about me. I still must serve in ways that I can. Does that make sense? Praying for her and offering some encouragement was a “light life.”
Serving can bring a sense of purpose, fulfillment, and perspective on your own struggles. - Trust God’s Plan: Man, it hurts even to type this one. My whole life feels so willy-nilly. But ultimately, we must trust in God’s sovereignty and plan for our lives.
Girl, I lost my mom, my job eliminated my position, my son moved away, and I have to lose about 30 struggle pounds. It’s a lot.
But remember, even in all that is going on, God is working all things together for good, even when circumstances seem bleak.
Go ahead and surrender your worries and fears to Him, trusting that He will carry you through.
Don’t try to use worship as a replacement for HIM!
Another encouragement for pastors’ wives is to stay close to God in prayer and Bible reading. Yes, I said it before, and I want to say it again.
Worship is powerful. But we can use it as a panacea to make us feel strong or good in a moment.
One Sunday, I was driving somewhere and needed to “pep” myself up. I turned on my favorite worship song (it is this week, anyway). I’ve listed it below.
Anyhoo, I sighed and thought to myself, “Yes, this will help. This is what I need.”
While it did help me, the Holy Spirit reminded me I had not spent any quality, designated, set aside, phone off, door closed time with Him in a while.
Sure, I’d run to open my Bible, skim a Psalm, and then close it.
Using worship the way I was using is like a person with an illness. Certainly, the illness can be managed by medicine (worship), but it doesn’t make the person whole or heal them of the illness.
The only way to be whole and healed is to be cured.
Time alone with Jesus does just that. It heals our broken places and makes us whole.
Don’t get me wrong, worship is powerful, it is warfare – but it is not a substitute for the One you are worshipping.
Stop the world and spend a decent amount of time alone with the Lord every day!
Welp, that’s it.
In this blog post, I aimed to provide some helpful aidfor pastor’s wives facing tough times.
If you’re not currently going through one, you’re coming out of one, or a hard time will visit you in your days on this earth. Guaranteed.
Jesus said it best:
“In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
In closing…
In this post, I’ve shared my personal struggles as a pastor’s wife, grappling with losing my mom, my job loss, and other personal trials.
Despite these challenges, I emphasized the importance of staying anchored in my faith and maintaining my connection to God.
I discussed the delicate balance of managing my personal grief while fulfilling my public responsibilities as a pastor’s wife.
My prayer is that it helped to encourage fellow pastor’s wives (while talking to myself) to seek solace in prayer, scripture, and the support of the Christian community while also trying to handle their responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed.
If this was a successful blog post, I stressed that hardships are temporary (a season) and advocate for trusting in God’s divine plan, practicing gratitude, and seeking professional guidance when necessary.
Finally, I caution against merely using worship as an emotional crutch, promoting a genuine and deep time spent with God instead.
Sound good?
I love you so much.
I am going to share the song that is getting me through this insane season.
Here it is. Stay strong, Sister!
Thank you for being so transparent and real in writing this! I lost my dad 2 years ago (to cancer) and my mom 1 year ago to dementia. My sister and I took care of our parents while they were sick — about 4 years in total. As a pastor’s wife caring for sick, elderly parents, I eventually had to withdraw from everything I was doing (except church attendance). Also, I have autoimmune issues so that’s a whole other story. . . It was very easy for me to feel overwhelmed and judged for not doing all my previous responsibilities, but a dear wise brother in the Lord, encouraged me to step aside and to take care of my parents; that this was my responsibility and privilege and that no one else was assigned this. oh, so many times I took refuge in his words when others didn’t understand. It was extremely hard on my husband who had a good relationship with my parents, and he is a bi-vocational pastor. Sometimes we felt as if our heads were gonna pop off! Dementia is the slow goodbye and no one (except the Lord of course!) can understand all of it until they’ve walked alongside someone with it. Please accept my deepest sympathies on your mom’s passing; her picture is just beautiful! Every day I still think of my Mom and miss her; I immediately try to picture what she’s up to in heaven and that brings me a lot of comfort. The missing is still there but it’s bearable. Hugs to you dear sweet woman of God!
Thank you so much for your encouraging words, Carrie. God bless that brother who gave you the supportive sound advice. Also, thank you for what you said toward the end. Helped so much. God bless you and thank you for allowing God to lead you here and bless me beyond what I can express.