Six questions to ask before marrying a pastor

Dating a pastor should be a piece of cake, right? I mean, he’s a guardian of your integrity a sweetheart, and dating him should be an absolute blast. At least, that’s the dream. But let’s face it, real life doesn’t always fit into that neat little box, does it? Before you decide to tie the knot with a pastor, you better think twice, just like Aretha Franklin said – you better think. Because let’s be real, dating gives you a sneak peek into who he truly is and how he’ll handle not just you but potentially other women in the future. So buckle up and get ready for a rollercoaster ride of emotions because dating a pastor isn’t always as easy-peasy as you might think. Here are things I wish I had thought of before marrying a pastor and some advice I’d give.

It’s a shame that I have to say this, but I do.

When you date a pastor – HE SHOULD BE SINGLE!

Listen, I’ve seen so many women who have fallen victim to some unscrupulous men of the cloth. No, let me say it plainly. I’ve seen women connect with whorish pastors.

Don’t be one of them.

In this blog post, I am referring to tips when a single woman is dating a single man who happens to be a pastor.

Back to the subject: questions to ask before marrying a pastor.

Dating a pastor is the easy part of the process.

However, after he pops the question, things get a little complicated.

That “real life” stuff starts happening.

The stress of ministry.

Meeting the congregation or coming out to the congregation.

How the congregation perceives you or receives you.

Then the women and critical people will come out of the woodwork.

You will become a spectacle – something to look at and take note of.

Then there are the women to consider. Yes, the thirsty, desperate, silly women who will REALLY lust after your future husband once you begin dating.

Loneliness is in your future. At some point, the Kingdom will pull him away when you would rather he be near. That doesn’t mean he won’t balance his life and make time for you, but marrying a pastor is a sacrificial life.

It is not for the faint at heart.

Get my new book for single Chrisitan women desiring marriage.

You need to prepare for all this before marrying a pastor.

Full disclosure: preparing to be a pastor’s wife or church’s First Lady is going to be a hard existence. I wrote about it here.

The main reason is that God has designed it to be a fully sacrificial role.

Look in the Bible.

Zipporah was Moses’ wife.

Imagine how much she sacrificed. Moses was responsible for leading a larger church than most pastors these days! You know he wasn’t with her as much as she wanted.

Then there was Peter’s wife. We know he had one because Jesus healed her mother. Check out Luke 4:38-40. You KNOW her husband was gone all the time!

I love the movie The Chosen. In it is a scene where Jesus was talking to Peter’s wife. It’s not in the Bible (as most of the movie was not) but I think it is an excellent conceptual idea of what Jesus would have done.

Watch it below.

Yes, God pulls His undershepherds away. But that’s okay because it doesn’t mean He loves you less.

It means He will empower you more, prepare you for it, and give you the grace to find your place in His plan.

He must be the one who prepares you.

You can’t actually prepare because every husband is different and approaches ministry differently.

No one size fits all exist. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t.

Now, for the reason you are here

I had to give you a bit of context for what you may be walking into when marrying a pastor.

Below, I’m going to list a few questions and thoughts you should consider before you accept the ring and start shopping for wedding dresses.

Be sure to check out my video below.
I’m talking about some of my experiences and thoughts before marrying my husband.

Questions to ask yourself before marrying a pastor

Don’t worry I am going to get to the question. But before I present questions to ask him, I want you to ask yourself a few questions first.

Prayerfully and honestly consider the following questions:

Is he a good preacher?

Honey, this matters more than you can imagine!

Nothing would be harder than sitting under a bad pastor, especially one you happen to be married to. When he asks you how he did, you want to be able to be honest.

If you hate his preaching style or delivery, you’re in for it.

Before marrying a pastor, remember that he will be your husband and also your pastor. Can you live with him being your spiritual teacher?

What sort of pastor is he?

If you’re like I was when I dated my husband, you haven’t been to his church yet because you’re waiting for a solid commitment before making it public. I didn’t want to be some pastor’s “side chick.”

I told my husband I didn’t want the label of being a pastor’s “girlfriend.”

As a result, I waited until I had a concrete proposal. Actually, God sort of guided me in that direction. I didn’t really know what I was doing or have the wisdom in my own strength. Thank God for the Holy Spirit!

Plus, going public without a commitment puts a necessary target on your back and relationship.

Go public after you get the ring.

Is this man faithful and trustworthy?

Can you trust him with my heart, your financial future, and around other women?

It is crucial to know if a pastor is a faithful, trustworthy man before marrying him because his character and integrity will significantly impact both your personal life and your spiritual journey.

His actions, beliefs, and commitment to faith will shape the foundation of your marriage. If he is shady now, it will only get worse when you marry him.

For instance, if he’s playing around with you, touching you where he shouldn’t, pushing the envelope physically, he will do the same as your husband. He may touch what he shouldn’t after he is married. He may push the envelope and camp on sinful borders in other areas.

Before marrying him, take note of who he really is.

I believe marrying a pastor who embodies Godly qualities ensures that you can build a relationship grounded trust and faithful commitment.

Could I see myself following his denomination?

Different denominations interpret the Bible and Christian doctrines in different ways, influencing worship styles, rituals, and community involvement. 

Understanding his denomination helps ensure that your spiritual journey aligns with the teachings and traditions of his church.

Denominations also have different approaches to governance, leadership roles, and theological perspectives, which shape your experience and participation in the church. 

Considering the denomination beforehand ensures his denomination aligns with your spiritual convictions and provides a supportive environment for personal growth and worship.

OK. now for the questions to ask him before you marry him.

Let’s go, Christian Woman!

Question to ask before marrying a pastor

Question # 1: “Describe your church’s culture for me?”

You want to know how he views his ministry. Then, when you visit, you can contrast his reality with your own.
He may say, “People are super friendly, ” but they are not. 

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter much because God will give you the grace to handle whatever is ahead of you. Just pray for favor with His people now. 

Nevertheless, a “reality” check is always a good idea, so go ahead and ask him to describe the church. 
Also, it’s best to visit after you’re engaged, and no one knows who you are. 

Now for question #2 before marrying a pastor.

What is your work ethic?

You can definitely count on him replying, “I believe in working very hard.” Everyone says that. 
You’re going after whether or not he incorporates balance in his ministry life. 

If he doesn’t do it now as a single man, he likely will struggle with it later, which will undoubtedly affect you. Trust me!

Probe his initial responses to find out if you’ll spend most of your evenings and weekends alone while he is performing his version of “working hard.”  

Granted, you will likely be alone because pastoring a church is a huge undertaking. Still, he has to make time to spend with you and the [pending] kids. 

A wise and compassionate pastor skillfully balances home with the ministry. After all, if a man can’t manage his home, how can he manage God’s people?   

My husband used to come home during the day to see me. I liked that. It made up for the late evenings he spent counseling or meeting with congregants.   He’s still working on the balance, though. 

Occasionally, we sneak away to hang out during lunch hours (now that I’m working outside the home). 

I don’t require much attention so that little bit works for me. 

As women, heck, as people, we are all different. 

You may need more time for your husband.   

Sure, change can happen, but it will be difficult and take longer because he will be in the throws of being a new husband and pastoring the church. All that adjustment can create friction.

Talk about it now while it’s still “sunshine and rainbows.”

Ready for the next questions to ask before marrying a pastor?  Let’s keep this thing moving. 🙂

What is your philosophy about interacting with women in the church?

No explanation is needed.

This is a “biggie” that could lead to many tears later in your marriage.

I think the wisest men do not interact with women one-on-one or alone.  Still, some do.

Just like doctors, they should have someone else in the room when possible. 

Other pastors will hug women in the church. This doesn’t bother me, but that could be an issue for you.

The point here is ask him about it and see what you are in for. Then, you must decide if you can live with his answer.

Another good question is will other women have his cell number? Inquire. Again, be upfront about those things NOW.

Here is question number 4.

What role does God’s Word play in your life?

This may blow your mind, but I can tell you many pastors view God’s Word merely as a tool for delivering sermons.

In fact, some pastors don’t spend personal time with God on a daily basis? It is true.

They study to learn the content they intend to deliver.  

I don’t care if the man is a plumber, a janitor or a lawyer. He should be in love with God and rely on it to live out his life.

It’s dangerous to marry ANY man who is not in love with Jesus and devoted to studying God’s Word to get closer to Him. 

A man who doesn’t pray regularly, worship, read His Bible, and excitedly share new nuggets with you because it exhilarates him is a candidate for the “frozen chosen.”   

You know the type: people who know the Word, they are unchanged by it.

You want a husband who knows how (and desires to) lay at God’s feet in prayer and worship—during prayer time—when no one is looking.

Not to be a ‘pastor’ or to appear ‘deep,’ but to be a true child of God, a partner who shares your faith and values one hundred percent. 

Ok. Now for fifth question to ask before marryin a pastor.

What role do you see me playing in your ministry?

Find out his expectations of you so you can begin praying and seeking God to ensure they align with God’s plan for your life.  

Honestly, I was madly in love with another man who was a minister (years ago).

Although the relationship taught me so much and brought me closer to the Lord, his goals and mine did not align.  God showed me that reality, and I’m so glad He did.  

To be clear, I never wanted to marry a pastor. But, somehow, I kept attracting them. Weird. 

Anyway, now that Godly man is married to a beautiful woman who fits perfectly with his ministry. 
Better yet, I’m married to my wonderful husband. 

Back to the topic.

Consider this: if you have a strong personality, you could be threatening or intimidating to an insecure man.

He may love it now as he’s dating you, but if he is insecure, he will try to shut you down later.

You know now if he has insecure tendacies. Don’t igure them.

Listen carefully as he describes how he sees you serving in the ministry. Listen with your spirit and not your love-stricken heart.   

If he doesn’t mention your gifts, strengths, or anointing in his explanation, you might have a problem in the future. 

Now for question #6.

What do you believe about Jesus, salvation, the Holy Spirit, and sin?

Don’t assume you and he agree on these cornerstones of our faith.

You’d be surprised (shocked) at how many pastors associated with mainstream denominations have twisted philosophies about salvation and faith. I’ll leave that there.

Just know it will be very difficult to listen to sermons you do not support or believe to be true.   Ask. Ask. Ask.

That’s it! Hey, if you’re a pastor’s wife, what else would you add to this list?

Don’t forget to watch my video on this topic!