Stress and the Pastor’s Wife

Stress and the pastor’s wife is a real struggle.
Some tips for pastors’ wives to avoid the stress of people pleasing.

I chatted with a woman from our congregation the other night.  She was so kind and so fun to talk with that time just slipped away from us. Around the time the conversation was to end (about 7 minutes is my limit), she said: “I keep you in my prayers, I know how hard life can be for a pastor’s wife”. She was talking about the whole stress and the pastor’s wife thing.

I paused a second, pondered her words and responded “Actually, my life is rather simple and uncomplicated.  But, I appreciate your prayers so much.”

She relented and said: “No, I know you have to deal with so many people and that can’t be easy.  I bet they always have something to say”.  She chuckled.

My response: “No, it’s not hard.

People have very little effect on my life, and I care very little about what they say. 

One of my family members heard the last part of the conversation, glanced up at me, and giggled on his way out of the sanctuary.

He knows me so well. He knows that I refuse to be bound by stress and tension.

Sure, it affects me like everyone else, but I’ve learned some lessons in my old age. Those lessons help me understand stress and the pastor’s wife.

I’m sorry if I’m a rude pastor’s wife.

I know it might sound harsh, but please understand that I don’t mean to come across as mean or callous. In fact, that’s never my intention, and I sincerely hope you don’t interpret it that way. The reality is, my life is simple because I choose—no, I am committed—to keep it that way. I refuse to let others annoy me! I just can’t do it, and neither can you.

Even before I married a pastor, I’ve lived long enough to know that there will always be people judging, commenting, and talking about you. Someone will always “have something to say,” as the lady mentioned. Thank God I’ve figured out how not to let those folks stress or hold me back. Imagine what my life would be like if I did. I think I’d be depressed and on someone’s anxiety meds.

Those jokers attacked me…and still didn’t stress me out!

For example, many years ago I faced a situation that tested my church’s resolve. Some people came after me with a vengeance. I could have chosen to fight back, lash out, or defend myself. But, thank God, He gave me the wisdom to see them with eyes of grace. It was wild! Instead of anger, the Holy Spirit stirred a kind of compassion in my heart for them. He helped me see the insecurity and inferiority at the root of their attack. That was sad to me. I felt bad for them. I really did.

I couldn’t let their issues “worry” me.

Hey, I don’t have time to take on other people’s issues. Neither do you. It’s better for pastor’s wives to pray for those who attack us or treat us badly than to try to fight back. I know it sounds pious, but this is real talk. Instead of getting stressed out by them, try feeling sorry for their foolishness and ask God to complete them in Him. Ask Him often because as you pray for them, you will find your heart will soften toward them. It works like magic – Jesus magic!

What triggers your stress, pastor’s wife?

We cannot begin to minister to others until we understand ourselves. Knowing what tends to bother or hurt our feelings allows us to develop strategies for handling those triggers. For me, I am personally bothered by people who gossip and speak badly of others. That stresses me out and makes me want to scream. I can’t stand it!

Knowing this about myself, I’ve developed some safeguards to prevent me from getting caught up in those types of scenarios.

Here are a few:

• I limit phone calls (to people outside my personal circle) to about 5 – 10 minutes. Anything longer can often turn into something “else”.
• I listen for phrases like “Have you heard…”, “Did you know …” or the best one: “Someone told me…”
• When I  hear one of those phrases or something like them, I like to shut down the conversation sternly and quickly. I almost risk sounding horrid, but I send a strong message that I don’t want to hear about other people’s business.  Works like a charm.

Guard your peace, pastor’s wife

I must maintain my peace, and I hope you feel the same about yours. If people want to judge or label you as mean, ignore them. Be true to yourself and focus on upholding your Christian integrity and being a good wife. The rest, in my opinion, is just extra.

There’s no need to push, struggle, or fight for their acceptance. Let go of the desire to be “one of the girls” in the congregation.

Remember, God has called you for much more meaningful purposes. He has invited you to serve, lead, and be a blessing to others. If you’ve already been doing that, it’s okay to stop trying to fit in with everything else. That constant effort can just stress you out. All that stress and trying to be the perfect pastor’s wife can become overwhelming.

So take a deep breath and focus on your true calling.

Jesus modeled being free

What if Jesus had chased the Pharisees around saying, “Hey… talk to me…please accept me…please like me?” How foolish of a thought, right?! No, Jesus was confident in His mission and was laser-focused on that and that alone. He was not comparing Himself to them or even worried about them aside from getting them saved. Follow His example.

Susan Biali, M.D.,  wrote a great post called “Prescriptions for Life“; she advocates for focusing more on “belonging” than “fitting in”.

This is so good for us as pastors’ wives. We don’t want to be “set apart” as if we are better than anyone else because we are not. We want to be part of the heartbeat of the ministry.

So much so that people feel comfortable talking to us, reaching out to us, and needing us. The article describes belonging as “showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are.”

There it is.

I want to be part, not apart. I want people to accept me for who I am and how I am.  Dr. Bialia titled the article “Stop Trying to Fit In, Aim to Belong Instead.” We should focus on the latter. If you’d like to read the article, click here.  Take the meat and leave the bones.

Pastors’ wives seeking attention = pride

Further, banish your need for attention or to have your face on everything. Those things are carnal; those desires for attention derive from something you have not or are not getting in your life.

It could have stemmed from rejection or even the horrible ways people treated you as a child. Whatever the source, get whole in Jesus. Spend regular time in prayer, reflection, and study time in the scriptures.  His power will do a spiritual surgery that will render you whole in Him. I’m living proof of that.

No, don’t burden the Kingdom with your need to shine and be seen.

Only Jesus should shine. Pastor’s wives, in fact, all Christians should want Him to be the consistent focal point.

Allow God to lift you up and exalt you in the hearts of His people.

You just be humble. Be kind. Then, they will be able to turn to you for support and help when they need it. That’s your service to His people – while all the glory goes directly to Him.

The best part of ministry for me is when others have no clue how much you do and the many ways you “show up”.  You don’t live for them or for their rewards, so they did not know. You live for God, and that keeps your life uncomplicated. His yoke is easy, but the burden of people is not.

You know, anything can be complicated if you allow it to be.

Driving can be complicated if you close your eyes. So you open them.

Eating can be complicated if you don’t chew. So you do.

Talking can be complicated if you don’t open your mouth. So you speak loudly and express yourself.

Being married to a senior pastor can be complicated if you lock your eyes on people, overly focus on your own needs, and care too much about what people think. So, don’t do those things. 

Eschew the complicated; embrace the simplicity of freedom in Christ. Stress and the pastor’s wife don’t have to go hand-in-hand. Amen? Amen.

Need some more encouraging words to help relieve stress and the pastor’s wife?