Feeling like an insecure pastor’s wife these days? Hey, pastor’s wife, everyone is insecure some of the time, but a serious problem emerges when you are or feel insecure ALL the time. With so much craziness going on in our world these days, I know I myself felt very off-kilter earlier in the week. I wasn’t fearful or anything like that. But I was just off-kilter. It manifested itself as a slight feeling of insecurity.
It makes sense. When societal hierarchies aren’t secure, it naturally affects those of us on the lower levels. So, in my view, it’s okay to feel insecure at times. That’s part of being human. Do you agree? What are your thoughts on being an insecure pastor’s wife… some of the time?
You know, I’m not part of the school of thought that believes we should always “feel” on top of the world or speak as though we can control everything with our words. I do believe in speaking faith and calling those things that be not as though they are, but we also live in human reality. We must be honest about that. God’s will is sovereign, not ours. I felt that I needed to clarify, and stated that. I repeat: it’s normal to feel off or slightly insecure sometimes.
Christian Sister, I did say sometimes but not ALL the time.
Being an insecure a pastor’s wife is a completely different situation altogether.
Before I continue, let me define what I’m talking about here.
Ok, an insecure pastor’s wife is a woman married to a pastor who tends to be overly sensitive and worried about everything external. She cares what people think of her. She cares a little too much about how they interpret her or how she presents or sounds. She might be obsessed with her appearance or status symbols like brand names, cars, furs, and Coach bags.
All of which I personally have, but, Girl, they don’t have me! I will intentionally carry a cheap vinyl bag because I like it, with no regard for what people will think. I’ll wear jeans on a Sunday to keep me in that place of “who cares.” It keeps my heart right and my priorities straight. It’s never about — it’s about Him in me.
Conversely, an insecure pastor’s wife may let external things dictate how she feels about herself or her place in the world, or in the church. No good!
In my experience, pastors’ wives can fall into a pattern of caring entirely too much about other people’s thoughts and opinions, and because of that, they are in a prisoner’s bondage. Have you ever felt that way, or do you know someone like that? If you feel this way, you could be a little insecure.
Another sign of an insecure pastor’s wife is when she believes every woman in the church (and in the world) is after her husband. She feels jealous and is even “on duty” to ensure no woman comes near her husband. By “on duty,” I mean she’s always watching and paying attention to what every woman is doing and how her husband interacts with them.
Whew, Chile!
I saw HER with my own eyes!
Years ago, I visited a church in which my husband was preaching.
The pastor’s wife of the host church invited me to sit with her. That was nice. Well, it turned out to be an interesting experience because prior to service (and maybe even during), all she did was bottleneck and spy on her husband and whom he was speaking to.
It was like a sideshow, Girl!
At one point she said something like “we gotta watch these women” or something similar. Make note of the fact that I hadn’t been married to a pastor very long at this point so I was pretty green in the “pastors wife life”.
Still, I knew something was incredibly wrong with this scenario. I also knew I was NEVER going to live my life like her.
Real Talk: I love my husband desperately. Infidelity has not found its way into our marriage… thank God. So, I don’t know what it’s like to recover from such a horrible experience. It’s no secret that adultery can breed insecurity. I’m not talking about that type of situation here. That is something completely different and requires a different set of tools to recover.
Remember, the topic of this blog post is the insecure pastor’s wife. In that vein, I must assert that no amount of “watching” Will keep an unfaithful spouse from having an affair. If a person has a poisoned heart, that person will find a way to do poisonous things. Simple as that.
Being an insecure pastor’s wife is an energy drain and a waste of time.
Here are some signs you’re an insecure pastor’s wife…
Yeah, a clear sign of an insecure pastor’s wife is being jealous and worried about other women. I’ve stated that clearly.
The remedy is God, time, and maturity. You are simply gonna have to discover who you are in God so you won’t fall victim to lifelong insecurity. Do you know what else you’ll have to do? You’ll have to step out on faith often and watch God perform amazing things through and in you.
It will be scary at times and will seem counterintuitive. Do it, anyway!
Doing so will build your confidence not only in the Lord but also in yourself. Honestly, if you’re struggling with insecurity, I challenge you to try something difficult. Attempt something you never thought you could accomplish. I promise it’s a confidence booster like nothing else! Just make sure you talk to God before attempting anything too big, though. Haha
Seriously, I feel like God is always pushing and directing us to do things beyond our capacity. That’s how He gets glory from our lives, Christian Chick! You know what? For me, the very words you are reading NOW are a perfect example because they are completely out of my personal comfort zone!
Me? A blogger? Who would’ve thought it?
Me? Leading Christian women’s workshops online? I couldn’t have predicted that one!
Me? Being married to a humongous personality in my community and maintaining my sanity and peace the entire time? Yeah, that’s a total joke for a shy, introverted chick from Kansas.
Me …doing all this stuff while pursuing a graduate degree! Boom! God is so real and is my Buckler, and He will be yours too. Step out.
Here’s the thing.
The best way to overcome insecurity is to abide in the Lord Jesus. Once you get to know who He is and what he is capable of doing in your life, there’s no way you’ll be insecure! No way in the world!
Here is how Jesus said I in John 15:4-11 (my favorite chapter)
4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.
5 “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. 7 If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you[a] will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. 8 By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.
9 “As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.
11 “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.
What does abiding in Jesus look like? Glad you asked, First Lady of the Church!
Here are some tips I think will help any insecure pastor’s wife overcome her lack of self-confidence and propel herself toward her destiny and purpose in Jesus Christ!
This is exactly what I’ve done and am doing to stay close to the Lord and abide in Him. Let me know in the comments what you think or any tips you may have to share!
Number 1: Walk in obedience with Jesus Christ.
As you walk in tandem with Scripture and the Lord’s commandments, you will gain a sense of confidence because your footing will be sure. Your foundation will be strong.
Very often, we are insecure because we [know] we are not living according to God’s plan or His laws. It affects us on our interior, and it seeps out like filthy sewage. The result of insecurity is nasty and can be harmful.
Part of this seepage is characterized by shame. When you feel ashamed of yourself, you feel undeserving of anything good, including God’s grace and blessings. And as a result of feeling unworthy, you’re never really fully present.
Because you’re too busy “watching” and trying to protect things that you hold dear – be it your ego, your image, or your loved ones. That’s what I think. Tell me what you think below.
“…since we have been made right in God sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ or Lord has done for us” Romans 5:1
May I remind you that you’re justified by Christ IN Christ alone? There’s no reason to feel ashamed or live in shame.
If you find that your life feels a bit off course, take a moment to confess your sin and gently get back on track, dear pastor’s wife. As a wonderful Christian woman, you have so much to cherish and nurture, and staying in a place of brokenness isn’t the path for you.
Remember, you don’t have to dwell in shame or insecurity; your strength is needed by many who look up to you for encouragement and peace in your home. This means try not to be an insecure pastor’s wife.
You might never meet these people face-to-face, but your wholeness makes a difference, especially for your husband, helping him to step into the destiny God has planned for him.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed or drained, it can impact his ability to preach and can hold you back from living out your true purpose. Take heart—you’re appreciated more than you realize, and with God’s grace, you can find your way back to wholeness.
And make no mistake about it, I’m not just talking about your purpose as a pastor’s wife. As I’ve said time and time again on this blog and on GodsyGirl.com, God has a purpose for YOU! He has work for you to do in your own right, and you will not be able to do it if you’re insecure and unsure.
Number 2: Stop worrying about those people.
Honestly, your role as a pastor’s wife is to love the congregation and serve them. But, not to become subservient to them.
In doing so you can easily make them an idol in your life. Listen, you’re not gonna be able to please them all the time so stop trying. It’s OK for you to set boundaries and to say “no, I can’t do that” or “I’m so sorry, that won’t work for me.”
Boundaries are healthy, and they are good for you. In an article on PsychologyToday.com, a writer named Marvin G. Knittel, Ed.D., wrote, “healthy boundaries help us to maintain a positive self-concept.”
When we have those healthy boundaries, we can take better care of ourselves and “not allow other people to define us.” That’s too much power for anyone, other than Jesus, to have over you.
Christian Lady, when you allow other people to define you, you become a slave to those people.
Being an insecure pastor’s wife is like a prison.
That’s not healthy. And it will limit your ability to serve your congregation appropriately. So don’t feel bad about setting boundaries. It’ll help you build confidence and security so that you’ll be fit for the kingdom and fit for ministry.
Number 3: Give yourself some credit, Girl!
I don’t care if you’ve been married 10 minutes or 10 years to a pastor, I want you to consider yourself a thriving pastor’s wife!
Being married to a pastor is super hard. It’s challenging. You’re living in a fishbowl, and everybody feels that they can take potshots at you and your children. That’s not easy.
So, I want you to give yourself a little hug right this moment and celebrate the fact that you’ve made it this far. Maybe you’ve had some bumps in the road, and that’s OK. Nobody is perfect. Still praise God for your journey to this moment.
Without taking the time to celebrate God’s faithfulness in our lives and His sustaining power, it’s very easy for us to become insecure and lose our footing, not to mention our perspective.
People with a warped perspective often seem unstable or experience mental health issues.
So praise God for all that He’s done in your life this far! I want you to also remember the best is STILL yet to come.
You can do this. I say that with confidence because I know in WHOM you believe.
Set realistic expectations for yourself, spend time with the Lord OFTEN, set healthy boundaries, and give yourself a little bit of slack along the way.
Thank you so much ma for this article, I guess the holy spirit led me here and it addressed the issues I’m currently battling with as a pastor’s wife. God bless you and grant you more grace.
Thank you! I was so desperate to be healed of insecurity that I googled and found this site! Just the encouraging words that I needed to hear!!! Shew!!!!!!!! Praise the Lord!
I’m so glad, Nina. I think we all will. I think it is related to the “imposter syndrome” everyone in high profile or professionally advanced positions deal with. Hang in there, Sister. God intentionally put you there. He will keep you and be your main stay.
I read your blog with intense fervor, however, I am not a pastor’s wife.
I started going to a church about 3 months ago. I live in a very rural part of North Carolina where people don’t have to “dress to the 9’s” to go to church. The church
has approximately 200-250 members and is pretty close-knit. The church is spirit filled and many of the congregants do not have a problem with showing affection for one another. They do so by hugging each other with great exuberance.
On Sunday, while entering the church, the pastor came around the corner and ran into my husband and I. He was expecting his big hug as usual and we reciprocated. I didn’t see the pastor’s wife, but I am sure she was somewhere where she could see us.
After church, as we were leaving, she was in the foyer hugging other congregants. She seemed to be somewhat standoffish and I couldn’t understand why, until I read your blog and then it became crystal clear. She didn’t like me hugging her pastor/husband. I guess you might say that she was feeling a bit insecure. Now, mind you, I have no desire for her husband. My husband and I have been together for almost 50 years and I have never had the desire to cheat on him.
The pastor’s wife has suddenly developed some kind of animosity towards me and I don’t know how to approach her about it. I would like to say, “by the way, I have no interest in your husband.” (just kidding). I am one of those people who wants everyone to like them, but in reality I know that that’s not going to happen. I could also back away from the pastor and not hug him, but I think that would hurt his feelings.
I would really like your advice on this matter. How would you handle this if you were me?
Thanks!
Hi there!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment.
First, let me say that I would be very careful about assuming you know why the pastor’s wife seemed distant. As women, I think we’ve all been guilty of trying to read someone’s facial expressions or body language, only to find out later that we were completely wrong.
She may have been tired. She may have had something on her mind. She may have been trying to get somewhere. She may have had a headache. Or she may simply have a more reserved personality. There are so many possibilities.
While some pastor’s wives do struggle with insecurity, I would never want to assume that’s what was happening here based on one interaction.
Personally, I don’t think I would bring it up with her unless the relationship continued to feel strained over time. Instead, I would simply keep being kind, greet her warmly, and invest in getting to know her as a person.
One thing I have learned over the years is that pastor’s wives are often misunderstood. People sometimes assume we are upset when we’re simply exhausted. They assume we’re unfriendly when we’re overwhelmed. They assume we’re judging them when we’re trying to remember the name of the next person walking toward us!
If she truly has a concern, I hope she would be mature enough to speak with you directly. Until then, I would give her the benefit of the doubt.
And for the record… I smiled at your joke. I probably wouldn’t tell her you have no interest in her husband! 😊
I’m praying your relationship with her grows over time. Sometimes the best friendships begin with simple conversations and a little grace on both sides.
Blessings and again thank you for your comment and for caring for your pastor’s wife.
Terri