insecure pastor's wife

The Insecure Pastor’s Wife

Feeling like an insecure pastor’s wife these days? Hey, pastor’s wife, everyone is insecure some of the time but a serious problem emerges should you be or feel insecure ALL the time. With so much craziness going on in our world these days, I know I myself felt very off-kilter earlier in the week. I wasn’t fearful or anything like that. But I was just off-kilter. It manifested itself as a slight feeling of insecurity.

It makes sense. When the hierarchies of society are not secure of course it does affect and trickle down to those of us on the lower ranks of it. So in my opinion, It’s OK to feel insecure sometimes. It’s part of being a human being. Do you agree? What do you think about being an insecure pastor’s wife… some of the time?

You know, I’m not of the school of thought that believes we should always “feel” on top of the world or we should speak things as though we can control them with our words. I do believe in speaking faith and calling those things that be not as though they are, but, we also live in human reality. We must be honest about that. God’s will is sovereign – not ours. I felt that I needed to clarify and stated that. I repeat: it’s normal to feel off or slightly insecure sometimes.

insecure pastor's wife
Be normal, but not ABNORMAL, GIRL!

Christian Sister, I did say sometimes but not ALL the time.

Being an insecure a pastor’s wife is a completely different situation altogether.

Before I continue, let me define what I’m talking about here.

Ok, An insecure pastor’s wife is a woman married to a Pastor who tends to be overly sensitive and concerned about absolutely everything external. She cares what people think of her. She cares a little too much about how they interpret her or how she presents or sounds. She may be obsessed with her appearance or status symbols such as brand names, cars, furs, and Coach bags.

All of which I personally have, but, Girl, they don’t have me! I intentionally will carry a cheap vinyl bag because I like it with no regard for what people will think. I’ll wear jeans on a Sunday to keep me in that place of “who cares.” It keeps my heart right and my priorities straight. It’s never about — it’s about Him in me.

Conversely, an insecure pastor’s wife may let those outside things dictate how she feels about herself or her place in the world…or in the church. No good!

Pastor’s wives can fall into a pattern of caring entirely too much about other people’s thoughts and opinions and because of that, they are in a prisoner’s bondage. Have you ever felt that way or do you know someone like that? If you feel this way, you could be a little insecure.

Another indicator of an insecure pastor’s wife is one who thinks every woman in the church (and in the universe) is after her husband. She finds herself jealous and even” on duty” to make sure no woman gets near her husband. By “on-duty”, I mean she’s always looking and watching what every woman is doing and how her husband is interacting with them. Whew, Chile!

I saw HER with my own eyes!

Years ago, I visited a church in which my husband was preaching. The pastor’s wife of the host church invited me to sit with her. That was nice. Well, it turned out to be an interesting experience because prior to service (and maybe even during), all she did was bottleneck and spy on her husband and to whom he was speaking.

It was like a sideshow, Girl!

At one point she said something like “we gotta watch these women” or something similar. Make note of the fact that I hadn’t been married to a pastor very long at this point so I was pretty green in the “pastors wife life”. Still, I knew something was incredibly wrong with this scenario. I also knew I was NEVER going to live my life like her.

Real Talk: I love my husband desperately. Infidelity has not found its way into our marriage… thank God. So, I don’t know what it’s like to recover from such a horrible experience. It’s no secret that adultery can breed insecurity. I’m not talking about that type of situation here. That is something completely different and requires a different set of tools to recover. Remember, the topic of this blog post is the insecure pastor’s wife. In that vein, I must assert no amount of “watching” Will keep an unfaithful spouse from having an affair. If a person has a poisoned heart, that person will find a way to do poisonous things. Simple as that.

Here are some signs you’re an insecure pastor’s wife…

Yeah, a clear sign of an insecure pastor’s wife is being jealous and worried about other women. I’ve stated that clearly.

The remedy is God, time, and maturity. You are simply gonna have to discover who you are in God so you won’t fall victim to life-long insecurity. Do you know what else you’ll have to do? You’ll have to step out on faith often and watch God perform amazing things through and in you.

It will be scary at times and will seem counterintuitive. Do it, anyway!

Doing so, it will build your confidence not only in the Lord but in yourself too. For real, if you find you’re struggling with insecurity, I challenge you to try something hard. Try something that you didn’t think that you could ever have done. I promise you it’s a confidence builder like nothing else! Make sure you talk to God before you try anything too big though. Haha

Seriously, I feel like God is always pushing and directing us to do things beyond our capacity. That’s how He gets glory from our lives, Christian Chick! You know what? For me, the very words you are reading NOW are a perfect example because they are completely out of my personal comfort zone!

Me? A blogger? Who would’ve thought it?

Me? Leading Christian women workshops online? I couldn’t have predicted that one!

Me? Being married to a humongous personality in my community and maintaining my sanity and peace the entire time? Yeah, that’s a total joke for a shy, introverted chick from Kansas.

Me …doing all this stuff while pursuing a graduate degree! Boom! God is so real and is my Buckler and He will be yours too. Step out.

Here’s the thing.

The best way to overcome insecurity is to abide in the Lord Jesus. Once you get to know who He is and what he is capable of doing in your life, there’s no way you’ll be insecure! No way in the world!

Here is how Jesus said I in John 15:4-11 (my favorite chapter)

Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.

“I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you[a] will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.

11 “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.

What does abiding in Jesus look like? Glad you asked, First Lady of the Church!

Here are some tips I think will help any insecure pastor’s wife overcome her lack of self-confidence and propel herself toward her destiny and purpose in Jesus Christ! This is exactly what I’ve done and am doing to stay close to the Lord and abide in Him. Let me know in the comments what you think or any tips you may have to share!

Number 1: walk in obedience with Jesus Christ.

As you walk in tandem with the scripture and with the Lord’s commandments, you will gain a sense of confidence because your footing will be sure. Your foundation will be strong.

Very often we are insecure because we [know] we are not living according to God’s plan or His laws. It affects us on our interior and it seeps out like filthy sewage. The result is insecurity is nasty and can be harmful.

Part of this seepage is characterized by shame. When you feel ashamed of yourself you feel undeserving of anything good -including God’s grace and blessings. And as a result of feeling unworthy, you’re never really fully present. Because you’re too busy “watching” and trying to protect things that you hold dear – be it your ego, your image, or your loved ones. That’s what I think. Tell me what you think below.

“…since we have been made right in God sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ or Lord has done for us” Romans 5:1

May I remind you that you’re justified by Christ IN Christ alone? There’s no reason to feel ashamed or live in shame.

If your life is out of alignment, confess your sin, and get back on track, pastor’s wife. As a Christian woman, You have too much at stake to stay broken. You can’t afford to wallow in shame or any type of insecurity. Too many people are reliant on your encouragement and your ability to maintain peace in your home. People you may never lock eyes with need you whole …if for no other reason than for your husband to fulfill the destiny God has commissioned him to fulfill. If you are a basket case, it affects his ability to preach and it affects your ability to walk out your purpose.

And make no mistake about it, I’m not just talking about your purpose as a pastor’s wife. As I’ve said time and time again on this blog and on, God has a purpose for YOU! He has work for you to do in your own right and you will not be able to do it if you’re insecure and unsure.

Number 2: Stop worrying about those people.

Honestly, your role as a pastor’s wife is to love the congregation and serve them. But, not to become subservient to them.

In doing so you can easily make them an idol in your life. Listen, you’re not gonna be able to please them all the time so stop trying. It’s OK for you to set boundaries and to say “no, I can’t do that” or “I’m so sorry, that won’t work for me.” Boundaries are healthy and they are good for you. In an article on a writer named Marvin G. Knittel Ed.D, wrote “healthy boundaries help us to maintain a positive self-concept” and when we have those healthy boundaries, we can take better care of ourselves and “not allow other people to define us.” That’s too much power for anyone – other than Jesus – to have over you.

Christian Lady, when you allow other people to define you you become slaves to those people. That’s not healthy. And it will limit your ability to serve your congregation appropriately. So don’t feel bad about setting boundaries. It’ll help you build confidence and security so that you’ll be fit for the kingdom and fit for ministry.

This stuff will make you broke before it validates you (i.e.: it never will).

Number 3: Give yourself some credit, Girl!

I don’t care if you’ve been married 10 minutes or 10 years to a pastor, I want you to consider yourself a thriving pastor’s wife!

Being married to a pastor is super hard. It’s challenging. You’re living in a fishbowl and everybody feels that they can take potshots at you and your children. That’s not easy.

So, I want you to give yourself a little bit of a hug right this moment and celebrate the fact that you have made it this far. Maybe you’ve had some bumps in the road and that’s OK. Nobody is perfect. Still praise God for your journey to this moment.

Without taking the time to celebrate God’s faithfulness in our lives and His sustaining power, it’s very easy for us to become insecure and lose our footing – not to mention our perspective.

People with a warped perspective tend to be crazy or go crazy!

So praise God for all that He’s done in your life this far! I want you to also remember the best is STILL yet to come.

You can do this. I say that with confidence because I know in WHOM you believe.

Set realistic expectations for yourself, spend time with the Lord OFTEN, set healthy boundaries, and give yourself a little bit of slack along the way.

I love you and thank you for reading! God bless you, Beautiful Senior Pastor’s wife!

Real talk for insecure pastors wives.


  1. Thank you so much ma for this article, I guess the holy spirit led me here and it addressed the issues I’m currently battling with as a pastor’s wife. God bless you and grant you more grace.

  2. Thank you! I was so desperate to be healed of insecurity that I googled and found this site! Just the encouraging words that I needed to hear!!! Shew!!!!!!!! Praise the Lord!

    1. I’m so glad, Nina. I think we all will. I think it is related to the “imposter syndrome” everyone in high profile or professionally advanced positions deal with. Hang in there, Sister. God intentionally put you there. He will keep you and be your main stay.

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