The Pastor’s Wife and Gossip

Let’s discuss the pastor’s wife and gossip. Somebody needs to, right?

When was the last time you recall your husband (or any pastor) preach on gossip?

I’ll give you a minute to think about it.

Was it recently?

Have you ever?

I’m not talking about a flippant reference to it. I want to know if they went into detail and explain what it exactly is or how it looks in real life? You may be like me [and several of my girlfriends] who can’t remember ever hearing a full-blown sermon on this topic.

More often than not, preachers just say “don’t gossip” and that’s it.  I wish it were that simple.  It’s complicated.

Saying “don’t gossip” is like saying “don’t eat sugar” without explaining that it hides in many products and foods. Sugar is in bread. Sugar is in breath mints, sugar is in spaghetti sauce – I could go on and on.

That’s one of the reasons I wanted to write this post about the pastor’s wife and gossip to “air” things out a bit. We simply don’t think or talk about it enough in practical, real-life scenarios.

Gossip is one of those controversial topics pastors avoid – at least in my opinion. They can’t afford to because we live in a gossip-ridden world. Gossip is the basis of many talk shows and news magazines these days.

Heck, the lady on tv with the blonde wigs wouldn’t even have a show without gossip and they’re plenty other shows with the same ambition.  Do you think our culture is addicted to secrets and having “the inside track”?

Sure, celebrities are public figures, but so much of what the press reports about them is really none of our business. Yet, they can’t wait to broadcast every little detail of the celebrities’ lives and we can’t wait to “sop” it up like biscuits and gravy.

The gossipers in your church or neighborhood behave the same way. Girl, they find out something juicy and just can’t wait to share it with someone else.

We have to be on guard for gossipers– especially as senior pastor’s wives.

For countless reasons, folks intentionally try to share secrets about other people with us. It happens to me all the time. It’s like the sugar hiding in an unexpected food.

It’s often slick and clandestine.

They have no intention of gossiping, they just want me to pray – or that’s what they tell me.

Does that happened to you?

If so, I think it’s our job to catch the intent and speak up quickly in love. It’s our responsibility. We can’t run the risk of letting the gossiper leave from us and continue spreading that mess.

Some people, in fact, may not even realize what they are sharing is “gossipy”. Still, we have to stop it in its tracks.

I know it can be awkward to halt the conversation when you’re unsure of the intent. When I’m unsure of the intent, I tend to err on the side of caution and stop all sketchy conversations quickly.

I will generally say something like:

“You have her call me to discuss this, OK?  It’s not good integrity for me to talk about it with you and she’s not here”.

Most people understand my response and I’ve never had a bad reaction to saying that.

Again, I know it can be tricky.

The Gossip Litmus Test and the Pastor’s Wife …

Want to know my key to avoiding stupid gossip?

It’s all in:

1) the context of the conversation and

2) the details shared

3) trusting my “gut”.

Let’s start with context of the conversation.

You know when a conversation turns “gross” and is no longer praise-worthy. If it feels “slimy”, squash it immediately. If a bunch of ladies are gather talking about questionable subjects, speak up and walk away.

If the details are super sensitive like infidelity, finances, marital discord, you know nothing is gained discussing it out in the open.

The Holy Spirit lives inside you and you should know His voice. When you’re not sure of a conversation’s context, ask Him for guidance and then obey His urgings. Your gut will let you know.

Beware of that prayer camouflage. Gossipers love to tell other people’s business under the veil of prayer requests.

In general, we don’t need to know details to pray for someone. God knows.

When someone asks for prayer, why do people immediately ask “what’s wrong?”

More often than not, it’s none of their business. Knowing shouldn’t cause you to pray much differently than if you didn’t. If the Lord leads me, I’ll ask “Are you OK?” or “Is there something further I can do?”

Now, let’s talk the pitfalls of specifics…

Let me share how I pray for most people – no details needed.  You’re just going to B.L.E.S.S. them.

B – Pray God blesses their body and physical being.

L – Ask God to bless their work and everything they lay their hand to do.

E – Ask Him to touch and regulate their emotions and bring healing there.

S – Pray God sends them Christian friends and heals relationships and every area of their social life.

S – Ask God to touch their spirit-man and give them peace while conforming them into the image of Christ.

Get it?  That’s the B.L.E.S.S. model. It’s only a guide. I learned it years ago from someone online (I wish I could remember who it was). If you know who authored this model, let me know. Anyhoo, it guides me in a complete and comprehensive way of intercession.

Again, you can pray for others without details, senior pastor’s wife. We don’t always need details from the person or from some third party. Too many details can breed and feed gossip cycles. Nip it in the bud when people approach you to pray for others or request prayer themselves.

Avoiding gossip is ultimately up to YOU, pastors wives!

How not to Gossip ourselves

Every now and then, I hear Him in my heart say “DON’T SAY THAT!” It’s not an audible voice. More often than not, I listen. I appreciate Him leading me to “shut up” when I need to.  I also know He’s ‘talking’ to me when I get an uncomfortable feeling in my belly. That’s the “gut” to which I was referring. 🙂

Do you know what I mean?

If I ignore Him, over time, my heart becomes hard and rebellious. Then,  I don’t seem to hear Him as clearly. I never want that to happen. So, obey quickly when He speaks to you.

They start gossiping, you shut them down! Quickly. Click To Tweet

Other times, the conversation just doesn’t “feel” like something God wants me involved in – then I cease it.  Again, you’ll know when the Holy Spirit wants you to end a conversation or change it’s direction.

If you have trouble hearing Him, don’t feel bad. It just means you need to spend more time in prayer, Bible reading and quiet time. You’ll soon learn His voice and His promptings. I would say daily, consistent time in Bible study and prayer breeds that type of intimacy and spiritual maturity. You need that as a pastor’s wife.

 What to tell your husband…

I have this weird thing with my husband.  When people confide in me, I don’t share with him what they told me.

I know that sounds strange, but if they wanted him to know, they would have told him. Plus, should he ever preach on their situation, God can get so much more glory from it if he didn’t know beforehand.

They can think “Wow!  God is speaking directly to me through pastor”.

If I “spill the beans”, I think it compromises that possibility. It also feels a little gossipy.

Exceptions to withholding information from pastor

Now, I have had some exceptions through the years.  In cases when his leadership needs to be involved, I share those situations.  However, I always ask [the person] if I can tell my husband. Their trust means the world to me.

Another exception would be some pretty foul behaviors like someone stealing church funds, beating their wife or abusing children, etc. Those types of scenarios are critical and require an undershepherd’s (or legal) attention. Use your wisdom. If you’re still not sure, go ahead and ask your husband.

Dave Burchette wrote a terrific article about this subject on Crosswalk.Com. It’s called “Two Reasons Why Christians Gossip”.  In the article, he really “goes in” — as the young people would say. He found  and listed 14 scriptural references on gossip. Some include: 

Romans 1:29

Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Proverbs 10:19
Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.

Want more scriptures?  Check out Bible Study Tools.Com for scriptures on gossip.  They have a topical list of scriptures on gossip .

Encouragement for Women.Com says “Gossiping can seem fun and harmless but the reality is it can be very hurtful and do much damage to our relationships with others.” She keeps it real, doesn’t she?

Our nosy human nature loves gossip.  Still, it’s incredibly harmful and can ruin relationships and even church dynamics. We can’t indulge. Besides, it’s a sin. Forget about the pastor’s wife and gossip – no Christian should be associated with gossip. Period. Sin.

Let’s be honest, a lot of sins are “fun” for our natural selves, but that doesn’t mean it’s for us to do.  Before you write me off as a complete fanatic, the Bible even says sin is pleasurable for a minute or a “season” (Hebrews 11:25).  When fun is equivalent to sin, you have to do some assessing and check your spiritual maturity level.

Ask yourself: is Colossians 3:3 really true for me? If it is, you care more about what pleases God than what people think or even what pleases your senses. Fun or not, don’t gossip and don’t listen to it.

He’s still working on His Masterpieces

Finally, senior pastor’s wife, we’re all a work in progress. As we strive toward being like Christ, remember to keep gossipers at bay by examining every conversation’s intent.

Then be careful of sharing and receiving too many details. And lastly, be a vault. Never betray trusts or be in the presence of others doing it.

If you’re a pastor reading this – consider preaching more on this topic. Your congregation needs your direction navigating gossips circles.

Well, thanks for taking the time to read Married to a Pastor.Com. I pray my journey blesses your journey and that we both mature in Christ. I love you, senior pastor’s wife/first lady.

So, please come back or subscribe! Don’t forget to pin or share Married to a Pastor.com!

My sources referenced:

Mr. Burchette’s article – http://www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/dont-be-gossip-the-parasites-host-organism.html

Quote from Encouragement for Women – http://www.encouragementforwomen.com/page7.htm

Married to a Pastor.com is a blog for pastors wives focused on offering encouragement for a pastor’s wife as well as insight on being a pastor’s wife…from one pastor’s wife to another.