There’s something sacred about the silence of the early morning—before the phone rings, before your kids wake up, and before your husband launches into his pastoral rhythm. In that quiet space, I often find myself with a single, trembling prayer: “Lord, I’m still here. But I need You to hold me together.” That’s my” praying it through” prayer. I don’t always sneed that prayer, but I do lately.
It’s a hard time right now. Much of it is related to grief and loss. The rest is just life.
Being a pastor’s wife is an honor.
It can be beautiful.
It can also be brutal.
It’s not the people, and it’s not your husband.
Sometimes the hardest part about being a pastor’s wife is being present in your own heart.
My church family is amazing. They love me.
But, dealing with compounded grief in my lief – right in front of them is foreign and vulnerable.
I am still a pastor’s wife. I’m just broken right now.
Can you relate?
Yeah, sometimes being a pastor’s wife is about praying your way through confusion, loss, or deep exhaustion you can’t name aloud.
It’s often a journey of silent struggles, where you carry the weight of expectations while also yearning to find solace and peace within.
The days can feel long and the nights even longer. I never knew how long until I entered this season of trial and testing.
The nights are often filled with thoughts that swirl like autumn leaves caught in a windstorm.
In those moments, the role you play within the church community can sometimes overshadow the need for self-care and reflection.
Please do not let that happen.
I think it’s essential to take time to breathe. Reclaim your identity beyond the title, and seek out moments of gratitude amidst the chaos.
For me, this means I sit in someone else’s congregation on some Sundays. A congregation where I am not “Sister Terri”, I am just me.
Don’t Get it Twisted
This blog post isn’t about church hurt, conflict, or leadership drama.
It’s not about him—your husband.
It’s about you. *Take a moment to say that*
Say, “This is about me.”
It is about your faith.
Your healing.
Your ability to “pray it through” when you feel like you’re breaking into pieces.
It’s about mine, too.
What does it mean to pray it through?
It’s when faith does not feel easy anymore.
Fellow Pastor’s Wife, I never imagined I’d walk through grief this sharp while still having to serve, smile, and support.
When I lost someone I deeply loved—my mother—I felt like the floor of my soul cracked wide open.
When my brother followed in less than a year, I think it did crack open.
But ministry didn’t stop.
Life didn’t stop.
And neither did the expectations.
In those early weeks, I realized something very sobering: I could either collapse under the pressure and bitterness, or I could learn to live in a new space with God—one that required more prayer, more honesty, and far fewer masks.
That’s what I mean by praying it through.
What Does “Praying It Through” Really Mean?
“Praying it through” is more than just saying a quick prayer and moving on. It’s the process of wrestling with God through pain, confusion, and silence.
It’s deciding to come back to the throne of grace time and time again—even when you don’t know what to say.
It’s persistence, yes.
But it’s also presence. It’s being with God in the middle of the mess.
Theologian E.M. Bounds, known for his writings on prayer, wrote:
“He who is too busy to pray will be too busy to live a holy life. Prayer must be our lifelong habit.”
For the pastor’s wife, prayer isn’t an accessory—it’s oxygen.
And when everything else feels like it’s unraveling, prayer becomes the thread that holds your soul together.
It certainly does mine.
When You Feel Forgotten
One of the deepest struggles I’ve faced in ministry is the feeling of being forgotten.
Everyone checks on the pastor.
Everyone loves the pastor.
But often, the pastor’s wife quietly disappears into the shadows of his calling.
You may never admit it out loud, but I know that ache.
I’ve been the one smiling in the pew while silently wondering, “Does anyone see me? Does anyone care?”
And here’s the hard truth: sometimes, in earthly terms, the answer is no.
But in heavenly terms, the answer is always, eternally yes. You have an audience, and He really is the only one Who matters.
God says in Isaiah 49:15-16:
“Can a woman forget her nursing child, or show no compassion for the child of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands…”
You are never invisible to God.
The Pain That Can’t Be Shared
Some pain in ministry feels unspeakable.
The kind you can’t bring to a women’s ministry meeting or the ministers’ wives group.
The kind that makes you question your own faith, not just your role.
You may be mourning the loss of a parent, like me. Maybe it’s the lost of a sibling – again, like me.
Perhaps your husband is being a Grade-A jerk.
Or it could be you are dealing with personal health issues, strained friendships, or unfulfilled longings.
These struggles may not “fit” the image others have of you, so you might be tempted to bottle them up.
You know, to keep them secret.
But God invites the whole you – even the yucky, feelings of weakened faith you may feel.
Don’t worry about it, you’re not alone in those feelings.
The psalms are full of raw, real emotions. David cried out in Psalm 6:6,
“I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with weeping.”
Listen, if King David could weep and wail and still be called “a man after God’s heart,” then you can too, Sister. You can pray those honest prayers.
You can bring your whole self before God.
Learning to Lament
In Western church culture, we don’t talk much about lament.
We’re quick to skip to joy and celebration.
But sometimes the most powerful prayer isn’t a praise chorus—it’s a quiet sob before the Lord.
Lament is NOT a lack of faith.
It is faith in motion.
It’s trusting God with your pain.
Old Testament scholar Walter Brueggemann wrote,
“Lament is not despair. It is not whining. It is not a cry into a void. Lament is a cry directed to God… a public declaration that things are not as they should be.”
So let them fall.
The tears. The broken sentences.
The unfinished prayers. They are welcome in God’s presence.
What to Do When the Answers Don’t Come
One of the hardest things about “praying it through” is that we expect an answer—and sometimes, we get silence.
*sigh*
In those moments, I try to go back to the basics:
- I remember who God is—not just what I want Him to do.
- I sit with Scripture, not to study it but to let it hold me.
- I return to Philippians 1:6:“…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
God is not finished with you.
Warning: It Could Get Ugly
Praying it through or pressing through hard seasons doesn’t always look hunky dory.
Sometimes it looks messy.
It can be filled with overwhelming emotions that threaten to consume us.
Somtimes, it looks like a dark room, where shadows linger and hope feels distant.
A wet pillowcase, stained with tears of struggle and exhaustion, serves as a reminder of sleepless nights spent wrestling with pain and doubt.
Isolation often sets in, wrapping around us like a heavy blanket, making it easy to feel utterly alone in our battles.
This is still praying it through! You’re just praying it through in battle!
You’re fighting a fight. No war is pretty all the time.
Shoot, war is never pretty!
Praying It Through Can Also Look Like…
- Praying while folding laundry and crying at the same time.
- Whispering “Jesus, help” when the anxiety spikes.
- Getting out of bed when you don’t want to—but still choosing to talk to God first.
- Sitting in silence with your Bible open, even if you don’t read a word.
- Journaling your doubts and still closing with “But I trust You, Lord.”
These moments matter.
They are sacred ground just as much as Sunday morning service is.
And I think they shape our soul more than any title or role ever could.
How I’m Learning to Pray It Through
This past year has felt like walking through molasses.
I’ve lost a piece of my heart in grief.
I’ve questioned why God allowed certain things.
I’ve even sat in church, hands lifted, while wondering if I could even keep doing this.
But God has met me—in the kitchen, in the car, at the altar, and in my darkest nights.
He’s met me through the encouragement my church family has mailed or sent home through my husband.
He didn’t always change the situation. But He is changing me. I venture to say He is changing me for the better, too!
I’ll emerge from this stronger. Better suited for His use. Whatever you’re going through, you will too, Pastor’s Wife!
You know what else?
I’m learning to pray without editing my feelings.
I’m learning that being a pastor’s wife doesn’t mean I’m superhuman.
It means I’m a woman in process, deeply loved by a God who sees beyond my title of “pastor’s wife” or “First Lady.”
For the Sister Who Feels Worn Out
If you’re tired, grieving, being mistrusted, disrespected, or just “over it,” I want you to hear this from me:
You are not alone.
You don’t have to perform for God.
You don’t have to pretend for people.
You don’t have to keep it all together.
You just have to pray it through.
And praying it through might look messy, weak, or even silent. But it is holy. And it is enough.
Take one day at a time.
This is not the end for you. Your best days are NOT behind you!
Encouragement from Theologians and Saints
- Charles Spurgeon once said:“Groanings which cannot be uttered are often prayers which cannot be refused.”
- A.W. Tozer wrote:“It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply.”
- Corrie ten Boom shared:“There is no pit so deep, that God’s love is not deeper still.”
If you feel like you’re in the pit, know that you are not beyond reach.
God’s love is deeper still.
And He is with you in the dark, holding you until the light returns.
As I Wind This Up: Keep Talking to Him, Sister
Let this pastor’s wife blog post be the one you save for the hard days.
Not because I wrote it perfectly, but because it’s the real truth for real women in ministry: you can pray it through.
You can walk with God through challenge, grief, invisibility, change, fatigue, and a stupid husband.
You will come out stronger, softer, and more surrendered.
Don’t give up, Sister.
God sees. God listens. And God is not finished with you yet.
One last thing: I must say it
People act like our husbands are perfect because they have a gift. But many pastors are great pastors, but terrible husbands. People often act as if our husbands are perfect simply because they possess a special gift to impart the Word.
At the same time, I think It’s important to recognize, however, that many pastors may excel in their roles as spiritual leaders yet struggle in their personal relationships as husbands.
Remember, I’m a pastor’s wife too!
Pastors often feel so much pressure from their work that it can mess with their ability to really connect with their partners. Other men are just too arrogant to be kind, compassionate husbands.
It’s a bummer because being awesome at preaching doesn’t always mean they’re nailing it at home. Sure, they might lift up their church family, but their struggles as partners can fly under the radar, creating an imbalance in their lives that definitely needs some attention and compassion.
Yes, I read your comments. I see your emails. That’s why I need to say this.
This is real talk, and it must be acknowledged. I see you, Pastor’s Wife. So does the Lord. He’s there. He loves you so much.
Don’t stop praying it through. Keep your focus on Jesus and your relationship with Him.
That’s what I am doing as I go through this season without my immediate family. I’m praying it through.
Scriptures to Anchor You
- Psalm 34:18 – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
- Romans 12:12 – “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
- Lamentations 3:22–23 – “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed… great is your faithfulness.”
Remember: I love you. <3
Be sure to check out my new book!
- Being Married to a Senior Pastor: My Unexpected Journey
- Encouraging Words for Pastors Wives and Self-Assessment
- Pastor’s Wife Rejection
- “Pastor Wife Encouragement” for the Exhausted and Overwhelmed
- When Ministry Always Comes First: Real Talk for Pastor’s Wives Who Feel Second
- Fresh Encouragement for Pastors Wives
