I was just thinking how being a pastor’s wife can impact your life. Sure, you have the places you have to be. The people who want your attention and the commitments that demand it. But I think there is more to it than that. There can be an element of rejection that is part of our existence. This is especially true if our pastor husbands do not prioritize us or consider us worthy to be on the “list.”
Let me be clear.
Sometimes, it’s not just overt neglect. Very often, it’s just that they get so caught up in the things they have to do that they can forget us. Here’s the kicker. Many times, it is our own fault, too.
I’ve been married for many years. Lots.
During the course of the marriage, I’ve allowed myself to be invisible for the sake of the call. Somewhere down the line, I decided he was more important and his work was more important than me.
Notice the personal pronouns.
Most of it was of my own doing. I didn’t speak up and say, “Hey, make time for me.”
The result was the poor guy preaching and building without even knowing I needed him more.
If you feel neglected and alone, it really could be partly your fault, too.
Yep.
So, what do we do with that realization?
Be Fair with Him and With Yourself
Equity is the cornerstone of any relationship. You cannot have a relationship or a partnership, for that matter, if there is no equity, fairness, and even distribution of power.
But there is another issue we need to address.
They Interpreted The Bible Wrong
Now, to be honest, tradition and misinterpretations of the Bible are largely to blame.
I’m no theologian, but the Bible was written in a time when women were considered little more than property. We were almost like cattle. Property for a purpose.
I am so grateful that the Holy Spirit put people in the Bible like Deborah, Abigail, and Priscilla. There is even a ruler’s wife in the Bible who funded Jesus’ ministry.
Yes indeed, God values women and uses them.
Wait, what do I mean, “them?”… I’m a woman. He uses us! haha
But, I digress.
My point is that while God has a leadership chain, that does not mean you do not matter. That does not mean you should not have a role in your husband’s life and ministry.
And that leads me to another possibility.
His Insecurity May Be a Factor
There are many reasons you may not.
Your husband could be someone who mostly thinks of himself. In that case, he may not include you in much. He may be laser-focused on his own wants and needs. He may not think of what you need or including you in his ministry or life.
That’s where you speak up and advocate for yourself.
Another reason is that he may be afraid that spending time with you will impact his ministry or work.
So many pastors are swamped trying to keep their ministry afloat. They are running copies, studying for sermons, doing hospital visits, and more.
Not every pastor has a full-time staff like mine. They have to be all things to all people. Spending luxurious time with you may seem like a frivolous, self-indulgent thing.
Again, that’s where you speak up for yourself and your family.
In fact, that seems to be the common thread running through all of this.
Do you see the trend here? It’s about speaking up. Saying what you need and proving you matter too.
Will it be easy? Shucks, no!
As I mentioned, with so much misinterpretation of Scripture, many will label you or think your request for a marriage is unreasonable or egotistical. Even your husband may think so.
But, I encourage you to say what you need. It’s your life too! You matter too, Pastor’s Wife!
For one reason, to gain a sense of control that will help you feel good about who you are in Christ. But also because your husband may not know or even have thought about what you need.
However, there is something else we need to consider.
If All Else Fails
The sad truth is that even if you speak up, he will not listen. He may still disregard you. He may follow the patterns years of church life have taught him and not listen. He may not care.
I’m sorry, but that is the truth.
So many pastors are that way. I have friends, and I have read your comments over the years. Plus, I have my own lived experience as a pastor’s wife.
Just because a man is called to preach does not mean he is perfect. He can still be selfish. He can even be a narcissist. Yeah, I said it. I think that many pastors are narcissists.
If that is the case, you have to figure out how to make your life fit. You must pray. You must seek God to figure out how to occupy. How to live. How to be 100% you.
One thing I will say is this: God sees you. He loves you. He has not rejected you, even if your husband has.
If your husband is a pig-headed moose, you absolutely reclaim your identity in Christ. Turn to Him. Increase your prayer time. Practice the presence of God so you can figure out who you are in Him. Then, your self-worth will be renewed.
Also, start doing things you like.
That’s what I am doing.
And that brings me to something that has helped me tremendously.
The Power of Prayer No One Tells You About
One thing about prayer is that as you speak, you will discover that you will get so many blessings and insights as you speak to the Lord.
For instance, as I was praying this morning, the Holy Spirit used my own words to minister to me.
He shows me in my own words where my deepest feelings are. It’s hard to explain, but you may know what I mean.
Only God can do that, right?
So, in the end, speak up for yourself. Accept the outcome and take care of yourself. That is my advice to you and for you.
Tell Your Husband, Pastor’s Wife
Having the conversation may be one of the hardest things you ever do.
Not because you don’t know what to say, but because you may be afraid of the answer.
You may be afraid he will dismiss you, minimize your feelings, quote a Bible verse, or tell you he is too busy.
But here is the thing. You are his wife, not a church volunteer.
You are not an employee – as I’ve told my own husband many times.
Further, you are not a ministry accessory.
You are a person with needs, feelings, and a God-given voice.
So, before you have the conversation, decide that your goal is not to get permission to matter. Your goal is to communicate what is true.
Speak calmly.
Speak honestly.
Don’t attack him, but don’t shrink yourself either.
Don’t go into the conversation apologizing for existing.
Explain what you are experiencing, what you need, and how the current situation is affecting you.
Then listen to what he says. His response will tell you a lot.
A husband does not have to agree with every word you say, but he should care that you are hurting.
If he loves you, your pain should matter to him.
And if it doesn’t, then at least you will know you were brave enough to speak up for yourself.
- “I need to talk to you about something important. I don’t feel prioritized in our marriage, and I need you to hear me before you respond.”
- “I know ministry is important, but I am your wife. I need time, attention, and connection too.”
- “I’m not asking you to quit ministry. I’m asking you to make room for me in your life.”
- “For years, I have stayed quiet about my needs. I’m not willing to do that anymore.”
- “I feel like everyone else gets a piece of you while I get what is left over. That is becoming painful for me.”
- “I’m not trying to criticize you. I’m trying to help you understand what it feels like to be me right now.”
He may listen, then again, he may not.
My point is that you must speak to him. You must pray about how to express your needs as a wife. Don’t let this role silence and constrict you.
