Getting along with women in the church. Not always easy, pastor’s wife.
Advice for pastors’ wives to love – even when it’s difficult.
Have you ever met someone you just didn’t like?
Tell the truth, pastor’s wife. Sure, you have. It’s part of our normal condition called “humanity”.
Now, here’s the deal: have you ever not liked someone at your church? It’s something a lot of us go through, since our feelings about certain folks can get pretty messy, especially in a spot that’s all about community and connection.
Even with shared beliefs and values, personal quirks and past experiences can make it awkward to be around certain people, which can make it tricky to handle relationships in the congregation.
This can spark some interesting thoughts about how we see things, our judgments, and how we interact with others in a place that’s supposed to be welcoming.
Ouch, right?
That’s a horse of a totally different color, isn’t it?
I would love to say it’s easy to get along with every single woman 100% of the time – but it’s not.
Only the fake and phony portray such an image.
It isn’t easy to get along with everyone or for everyone to get along with you, especially considering the myriad of personalities and backgrounds we encounter daily.
But, the reality is that sometimes, in the midst of all the chaos and superficial interactions, every once in a while, God allows someone to enter your life that really “fries your cheese.”
I mean, they really, genuinely get on your nerves, pushing your buttons in ways you never thought possible.
These individuals can challenge your patience and test your limits, making you question your own reactions and emotions. Yet, there’s something profoundly revealing about these encounters that forces you to reflect on yourself and the dynamics of your relationships.
It could be their personality.
It could be their voice tone.
It could be their religious views.
It could be anything.
So what’s a pastor’s wife to do? Do we fake it? Do we avoid them or do we ask God to “help” them find another church?
You know what I’m goin’ to say, Pastor’s wife.
As with every challenge in life, we turn to the Lord in prayer. I know it sounds cliché, but prayer really is our magic bullet to get through this thing called life. If you don’t have an active prayer life, I can just imagine how much you’re struggling.
There is such peace in knowing He hears us. He loves us so much, so we can honestly tell Him how we feel. He knows anyway and still loves us. So, be honest.
You can count on Him to help you. He may speak to you in that still, small voice or direct you to just the “right” scriptures to give you strength and direction.
Either way, He is there for you.
The answers and guidance we seek rests in the Word of God.
His Word tells us, admonishes us and commands us to love everyone…all the time – no exceptions.
We want to grow into mature Christians, so we have to obey His commandments.
We want uninterrupted fellowship with Him, so we obey His commandments. We want His presence in and on our lives, so we obey His commandments. We gotta obey.
It may feel terrible at first, but obedience brings blessings.
Here is the real kicker: obedience has NOTHING to do with our feelings.
We will not always “feel” like doing what God says.
We will not always feel like loving everyone. This is why we can never let our “feelings” or emotions take the wheel.
They are too fleeting, changing with the tides of our daily experiences and interactions. Too unstable, they can sway with the smallest of events, leading us to misunderstand the depth of our connections.
Instead, we must cultivate a sense of commitment to love and kindness that goes beyond our transient emotions.
It is in those moments of doubt and discontent that we should strive to remember our shared humanity and the bonds that unite us, allowing us to act with compassion even when it feels challenging. This conscious choice to love is far more powerful and enduring than any momentary feeling we might experience.
Instead, we hinge our actions on that which we can wholeheartedly depend on – God’s unfailing Word.
So, how do we do it?
Here is how we do it: we simply walk in love – especially with that person that bugs us most. We do loving things for them, we pray for them until the feelings follow. It may take awhile, but they will.
That means you absolutely go out of your way to show kindness to them. It means you take them to a super nice lunch; work hard to bless them as often as you can. Be intentional about loving them and give them lots of hugs.
That’s how we do it.
I can’t tell you how many people God has helped me love using this very strategy!
The carnal part of your nature will want to avoid them, but don’t! Seek them out and pursue peace with them.
With that, here are some practical answers
1. Pray for them—even when you don’t feel like it
Prayer is the first line of spiritual defense against resentment and bitterness. When someone is consistently difficult, your natural instinct might be to withdraw or lash out. But prayer invites God into the relationship, asking Him to do what only He can. Even if that person never changes, praying for them reshapes your own heart.
Matthew 5:44 – “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
2. Respond with gentleness instead of matching their energy
It’s tempting to meet sarcasm with sarcasm or rudeness with coldness. But Scripture reminds us that calmness has a quiet power. A gentle, composed answer can stop an argument before it starts and model Christlike self-control even under pressure.
Proverbs 15:1 – “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”
3. Remember your own need for grace
When dealing with unlovable people, it’s important to take a moment and reflect: you, too, have had rough moments—yet God loved you unconditionally. That same grace that rescued you can help you extend love to others who feel “undeserving.”
Romans 5:8 – “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
4. Set healthy boundaries—not hard hearts
Loving someone doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behavior. Boundaries allow you to protect your peace and mental health while still honoring the person as God’s creation. They are a spiritual tool to help you stay present without becoming emotionally depleted.
Proverbs 4:23 – “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”
5. Let the Holy Spirit do the heavy lifting
You’re not their savior—Jesus is. It’s freeing to know that you are called to love, not to fix. The Holy Spirit is the one who transforms hearts. Your role is to stay surrendered and allow His fruit to grow in you as a witness to others.
Galatians 5:22–23 – “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering…”
These truths don’t eliminate the challenge of dealing with hard people, but they anchor you in God’s wisdom. As a pastor’s wife, your influence is powerful, and these strategies help you lead with strength, love, and clarity—no matter how difficult someone may be.
It will “feel” fake and pointless at first, but who cares how it feels?
Just do it.
Walk in love.
Show love.
Be love.
Not because you are a pastor’s wife, not because you are “first lady”, but because you are Christian. Your kind works bring glory to the Father and He will be pleased. Isn’t that life is all about anyway?
Wish there was an easier answer, a simpler solution. It will be hard at first.
But you are on a “big girl” mission as a pastor’s wife.
Much is given in your role and much is required – both in front and behind the scenes.
So, you have it.
That’s my advice for pastors’ wives: love the unlovable and make it an action-oriented approach. In the process, you’re flesh (carnal nature) will diminish and you’ll please your heavenly Father. It’s a win-win!
“Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord”. Hebrews 12:14
“Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.”Luke 6:28
